


Nosce Te Ipsum

by rabidchild67



Series: Wangst [1]
Category: White Collar
Genre: Crack, I can't believe there was already a talking penis tag, M/M, Talking Penis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-12
Updated: 2013-02-12
Packaged: 2017-11-29 02:23:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/681628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/pseuds/rabidchild67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Neal and his penis have a frank conversation. No, really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nosce Te Ipsum

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in January, 2011 - finally posting this to AO3.
> 
> Title means, "Know thyself" in Latin.

Neal lay on his back in his bed, wrecked, dozing. Peter had had to go home, but their lovemaking session that night had been envelope-pushing to say the least and he was glad to be getting a breather. His quads hurt like hell.

“Hey, Neal?”  
  
He started. Did he just hear something? “Neal, you awake?"

“Um…” He looked around the darkened apartment. There was no one there.

The voice continued. It sounded like Tony the Tiger. “Down here,” it said. His dick, semi-hard, gave a little bob.

“Gwah?”

“How ya doin’?” the voice said. His dick bobbed again.

Neal raised himself up on his elbows and looked down between his legs. His dick was lying across his belly, and he could swear it was blinking at him. “Am I high?” he wondered out loud.

“Maybe. Listen, guy, I’ve never steered you wrong, have I?”

“Well, there was that time in eleventh grade…”

“Hey, Mrs. Austin was _hot_. Don’t even tell me you don’t still dream about hitting that, because I know you do. I know everything about you.”

“Then why didn’t you steer me away from Virginia Dubcek?”

“You’re gonna bring that up again? Jesus tap-dancing Christ, Neal, I said I was sorry for that!”

“No, you didn’t. You’re my dick. You don’t talk.”

“No. I don’t talk to _you_. I have entire conversations all the time.”

Neal sighed and dropped his head onto his pillows. He had to be hallucinating. “I have to be hallucinating,” he said out loud.

“Maybe. But listen, I have something important to talk to you about. It’s about Peter.”

“That is none of your business.”

“It’s nothing _but_ my business, Neal. And believe me, this is not a conversation I relish having.”

“Oh? What conversation is that?”

“We think you should stop seeing Peter.”

“Who’s we?”

“Me and the boys.”

“The ‘boys’?”

“Your balls. We’ve been talking it over, and we don’t think it’s healthy for you to be seeing him.”

“Oh, you don’t,” Neal said sarcastically. “And why not?”

“Well, I mean, there are risks, you know?”

“Such as?”

“He’s your boss, for one thing. That never ends well. Plus, he’s in an undeniable position of power over you. And he’s married. There are _too many_ reasons, frankly. And we just don’t think you should be rushing into a relationship so soon after…”

“So soon after what?” Neal was getting annoyed.

His dick shrank down to its usual size and lay like a lox across his hip. When it spoke again, its voice was low, reluctant. “So soon after Kate.”

“We are so not having this conversation!” Neal exclaimed.

“I think we should.”

“Not listening.”

“Oh, that’s mature.”

They lay in silence for a while. “Peter’s dick thinks so too,” Neal's dick said, sullenly.

“What?”

“He thinks this is weird too.”

“You two talk?”

“Of course. We see a lot of each other. He’s a nice guy. Very upstanding.”

“I’ll ignore the double entendre. And what’s his perspective?”

“He’s understandably selfish, but he thinks this is unwise as well. If people find out, it can’t end well.”

“Well, thanks for your concern, all of you. It’s touching, really, but I never let my little head…”

“Don’t insult me. I’ve only got your best interests in mind. And ours. Prison was not good for us. The soap was very drying.”

Neal ignored him. “And what does my ass say? Has he weighed in?”

“Neal,” his dick said, patiently, slowly, “asses don’t talk.”

“Of course they don’t. Listen, I’m going to get some sleep. We’ve got an early start tomorrow.” He pulled the blankets over himself and put his arms above his head, pillowed his head on his hands. He sighed.  
  
“You know, I’m falling in love with him?” Neal said after several minutes.

“Really?” his dick asked, its voice muffled by the blanket.

Neal stared at the ceiling. “Yeah.”

“Oh. Well, that complicates things.”

“You don’t say.” They lay in companionable silence for several minutes more. Finally, Neal's dick chubbed up a bit and strained back towards his chest. Neal lifted the covers and looked down on it expectantly. “So what do we do?” he asked.

“I suppose it’s not the end of the world,” it replied. “Peter’s dick thinks he has similar feelings.”

“Really?” Neal felt a kind of warmth spreading in his chest.

“I wasn’t gonna say anything…”

“I’m glad you did.” Neal had a smile on his face.

“Hey, be careful, OK, guy? We don’t like it when you get hurt.”

“Thanks for caring. Really.”

“No problem. And listen, while I’ve got your attention…”

“Yeah?”

“Can you switch back to the lambskin condoms? The latex doesn’t feel as good.”

“Sure.”

“Thanks, Neal.”

“Don’t mention it.”

“Love you, Neal.”

Neal reached under the covers and took his dick firmly in his hand. “I love you too. Now go to sleep.”  
  
\----  
Thank you for your time.


End file.
